


Are you tired of me yet?

by artsyleo



Series: Trans Eastenders [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Menstruation, Not Canon Compliant, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24915502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: Callum hates it.He hates everything about everything right now, and it just makes him want to cry. That’s what he’s been doing for the last hour, so it wouldn’t exactly be a huge change, but Lexi and Ben are in the house now. He’d forgotten that Lexi was supposed to come around tonight which is strange, because Callum has almost everything about his near-enough-daughter, but the pain in his stomach right now is turning his brain to mush. That, along with the fact that it’s about 30 degrees in the room, he can’t move enough to open the window any more, and he’s not had painkillers in too long.-Or- Callum's a trans guy. Life has it's struggles.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Trans Eastenders [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803019
Comments: 26
Kudos: 71





	Are you tired of me yet?

**Author's Note:**

> possible tw for dysphoria, talk of menstruation
> 
> in this fic, Callum is ftm trans. this is my AU. if you don't like it, don't read it! if you do, well, hope you enjoy x

Callum hates it.

He hates everything about everything right now, and it just makes him want to cry. That’s what he’s been doing for the last hour, so it wouldn’t exactly be a huge change, but Lexi and Ben are in the house now. He’d forgotten that Lexi was supposed to come around tonight which is strange, because Callum has almost everything about his near-enough-daughter, but the pain in his stomach right now is turning his brain to mush. That, along with the fact that it’s about 30 degrees in the room, he can’t move enough to open the window any more, and he’s not had painkillers in too long. He knows he should just tell Ben, but even after a thousand reassurances there’s that residual shame that’s been burrowing in his chest all morning, that voice that tells him that Ben doesn’t deserve to deal with all this, he should be with someone else, someone better-

“Callum?”

It’s Lexi’s innocent little voice that makes Callum just want to disappear even more. Lexi can’t see him like this- fuck, he doesn’t even like it when Ben sees him like this. Lexi, though? The idea of that lovely little girl seeing him like this makes him want to throw up even more than it already feels like he’s going to. Suddenly, there’s footsteps coming towards the room, and all Callum can do is curl further into the pillow and hope, pray that Lexi doesn’t see him (he knows how stupid the hope is, she’s not blind, but his brain is completely addled). The door opens and no voice comes through it for a second, and Callum just holds his breath, because he feels like if he opens his mouth again he’s going to sob, and he might feel pathetic right now but he is not crying in front of Lexi.

“Cal?” Lexi says, her voice quiet and inquisitive. “Are you okay?”

The thought passes through his mind that if he stays still enough she might just think that he’s asleep, and he thinks that might be the most coherent thing he’s thought in ages, other than fuck, this hurts.

A minute later, he can hear Lexi leave the room. He lets out a shaky breath because for a minute he thinks that maybe he’s off the hook, until there are more footsteps, but this time two sets, one heavier, that couldn’t be anyone else but Ben.

“Baby?” he hears Ben say when he gets to the door. He tries his best not to move, even though he knows deep down that Ben will only want to help him, but it’s then that there’s a particularly bad stab of pain through his stomach, and he can’t help but let out a pathetic little whine. Ben must see Callum curl up on himself just slightly, because a minute later he’s telling Lexi to go and stick on a Disney film, and he closes the bedroom door behind her. Callum forces his eyes open and watches as Ben comes around the bed, opening the window as he goes. It sends a pleasant little gust of cold air in the room, which almost makes Callum cry with relief. As soon as Ben crouches in front of Callum, he can see the soft, pitying look on his face, and that’s what breaks him. He doesn’t deserve any of this, he doesn’t deserve a boyfriend who’s this caring, who’s dealing with stuff that he never should have to, because men shouldn’t have this problem, Ben shouldn’t have to deal with his boyfriend on his period-

“I can tell you’re apologising. Stop it, right now,” Ben says, his voice calming and firm. It makes him realise that he’d probably just said all of that out loud, and it only serves to make him feel worse because he knows Ben’s going to be feeling guilty about the fact that he can’t hear Callum. 

“You need a painkiller, handsome?” Ben says, and it makes Callum’s cheeks burn, because he’s anything but that, but on days like these Ben calls him that more than his name because he knows how it makes Callum feel. Callum just nods instead, and Ben gets back up with a soft kiss to Callum’s cheek.

-

A little while later, when Callum’s finally managed to roll himself onto his back, Ben comes back into the bedroom. He’s carrying a tray with a glass of water and two painkillers, a mug of tea and some plain toast, with a little flower in a jar, and it’s so sweet that Callum thinks he can feel himself cry a little.

“Here you go, baby,” Ben says, laying the tray on the bedside table. Callum smiles a little in thanks when Ben passes him the water and pills. He swallows them quickly, before forcing himself to sit up just a little, with his back against the headboard.

“How is it?” Ben says next. “One to ten?”

The sincerity of the question melts Callum’s heart. It’s this thing that they’d worked out a little while ago, because Callum hates talking about his dysphoria when he’s like this, but it’s more often than not when it’s at it’s worst.

‘Seven’, he signs to Ben, and pity crosses Ben’s face. Before Ben can say anything, though, Callum interrupts.

“’M sorry, Ben, I forgot Lexi was here-“

“I thought I told you to stop apologising, mister,” Ben says, and there’s a hint of a kind smirk on his face.

“Why are you so good at this?” Callum says, signing what he can. “Why do you deal with it?”

“Because I love you,” Ben says simply, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re my boyfriend, and I love you-“

“Your boyfriend shouldn’t have to deal with this, though. If I was-“

“Don’t even finish that sentence,” Ben says, and there’s a surprising protectiveness in his voice. “No one talks about my boyfriend like that, because he’s the most handsome guy I know.”

Those words- it’s those words. He just- Callum can’t deal with it, can’t deal with the fact that Ben loves him so unconditionally. It makes the tears that have been sitting in his eyes for the last few minutes burst onto his cheeks. Ben shifts forward on the bed so that Callum can shift so that his head settles into the crook of Ben’s neck.

“Don’t panic, baby, I’m here,” Ben says. From then on, Callum’s world is reduced to the feeling of Ben’s fingers in his he=air, and it’s with the warmth of Ben next to him that he finally falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I have,,, never been more nervous to publish a fic. I know people have been critical of the ballum tag on here recently so I'm really nervous bc this isn't exactly a 'normal' fic, but it is something that's really important to me, because of my own identity.  
> Hope you enjoyed this, and please please leave a comment if you did like it, it would mean the world to me! stay safe <3  
> Leo x (artsy-highway on tumblr)


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